One week

and im leaving here. and he putting no effort in trying to do something with me before i leave. i hate crying over him. hes the only person i wanna spend time with before i leave but he doesnt even wanna do anything with me. i wish next week would come quicker i dont wanna be here anymore.

O626O8 <3

No matter how far or how close we are, I'm always gonna love this boy. He's my heart &even tho were not at our best right now I have a feeling everything will get better. It always does, and even tho we get into the biggest fights were still there for each other. I'm alwaysalwaysalways gonna have feelings for him. We've been through so much together but I'm glad I stuck it out with him. I dont care how much it will cost to come back and forth from SF to LA I'm coming back to see the cutest face in the world :D I love you bubs &I dont care if you dont say it back sometimes because i'll always love you and you cant change my feelings for you. For now, i'll try my bestest to just be friends but you'll always be my baby kitten <3

So hard.

Today i have to figure out if i wanna go to sfsu or csun "/ and the only thing stopping me from picking one of them is Derek. yea he's right first i wanted to go to sf cus we broke up then i wanted to go to csun cus we got back together and now i wanna go to sf cus were not together. sometimes i feel like sf will be better for us but i dont know how i would be without him. but then i also have to think about what if i stay and what if i cant handle us not being together and seeing things i dont want to hearing things i dont want to. and if i was in sf it would be better, we wouldnt see each other as much but then i can come back on the weekends and still see him ? .. i hate when hes so mean to me and i make up my mind that i wanna go to sf but then he'll treat me so good &i dont wanna leave that. uhh ! if he loves me he'll be okay with whatever decision right ? .. but i dont even think he cares what i do. even when we were together sometimes i wanted to go to sf. but fuck, i dont even like that school. i just wanna get away sometimes. and if i go there i'll be able to get away but also come back home EVERY WEEKEND !

Debut

Damn, gettting everything done is fucking annoying !
got dress altered today
checked out cakes
find out the price for the guys tux
this saturday we have to get the girl's dress's
we have such little time to learn the dance "/
uh, i have a headache already thinking about it

but im pretty sure once it's all done &aug. 1 comes around it'll all be worth it [:

First debut practice

LOL ! =D


Fail in the beginning. 4 girls 2 guys "/
Monday everyone else better fucking show!








.. Baby is in Riverside already. I miss him )=
Haha, not really. Jk!

She's my favorite!

I love her so much.
+ kelsey, dont worry i got you girl! [:


xrawr im ra i sa: he's fucking you, not her.
xrawr im ra i sa: he kisses you, not her.
xrawr im ra i sa: he hugs you and holds you, nother
xrawr im ra i sa: so don't even trip babygirrrl
xrawr im ra i sa: ;]
xjessica malia: thanks [:
xrawr im ra i sa: she'll never get to have what you have.
xjessica malia: hahah thanks [:
xrawr im ra i sa: no probleeemm

Finally

done with highschool &all its fucking drama.
i got what i need already, i dont need your shit
i have my family, my girls, MY BOY !



Hello summer <3

Yesterday

was such an adventure with derek!
LA to get monayyy from the gpappa's
Trying to look for MB2
3rd place babby [: I actually beat someone. haha
Sat in front of derek's house in my car [;
Watched the laker game/did my nails [purple babby]
Baby picked me up to watch "UP" in 3D!
Fell asleep in the car for an hour "/
Finally went inside and slept.
Babe left around 5 so he wouldnt get in trouble. haha
I love him <3
.. Today is Baccalaureate "/ i dont wanna go.
But graduation tomorrow ! YAYYY, done with highschool
College here i come =D

4 MORE

finals left
Media &morality: EASY!
Trig: FML!
Songco's: UHHH!
Econ's: EASY!

.. then graduation babbbbbby ! =D

Today was fun [: outoutout with babe, even tho he was being an ass to me! played basketball and wii, i lost "/ i love being with him, im so glad things are back to the way it used to be. i really dont know what i would do without that little nigga. ima miss him when i go to san fran )=

Finals

This week, ugh!
I DONTDONTDONT wanna study at all.
But after finals, NO MORE SCHOOL ! [;

HO'OLAU'LEA

watch my performance! .. 5:00 [:
northridge park, next to shogun!

Lowkey

I'm REALLY happy =D
today was good.
I had to wake up early to take cj to school
fell asleep, woke up at 12ish. got ready
picked up cj, had lunch with him
talked to derek <3 went to his house
band awards
kels, cj, and i went to raisa's graduation!
.. hopefully "up" tomorrow with that nigga <3

Ex baby

I talked to Derek yesterday! :o
It wasn't as awkward as i thought it would of been
Well at first it was, until we were sitting in his car.
I was with him for 2 hours.
He was being a jerk at some points
But we would start laughing at other times.
I miss him, I miss talking to him.
.. Again on wednesday.

Dont chase them

Replace them! [:

Lemme tell you

about my week so far.

Thurday
PROMPROMPROM! woke up, got my hair &make up done. Went somewhere with my momma, then waited for kelsey to come so we could put our dress' on. Marc came took pictures (i still need to download them) Got to school, stood in line, bus 7. Watched the day after tomorrow, traffic "/ finally got there, took pictures ate, and DANCEDDANCEDDANCED [: fell asleep on the bus, momma picked us up, took marc home, &went to sleep.
Friday
Hung out with matt, he took me to this place but it was kinda boring cus all we saw was mountain's it was cooler driving up there then finally getting there. lol. john and mike picked me up. had to go with john to look for uniform. went to the mall, walmart, target. picked up jobell but ended up hanging out at mel's house. we were putting stickers that said "i love penis'" all over jobell. haha. got food, played tongit, watched stupid scary filipino movies. i didnt fucking get home till 5! WTF ?!
Saturday
Hung out with the cousins, got dropped off at angela's, went to matt's birthday. took pictures, cousin's picked me up. Drove around, went to mike's house. watched the wood. fell asleep woke up and left at 3ish ?
Sunday
Santa monica with raisa and her family. walked around and talked. hung out with the cousin's again at chuck e cheese for 3 fucking hours "/ went to wendy's. and now finally home and early too :o





.. Why are you wasting time? Youre just going to get fuck'd over.

Goodbye LA hello BAY

I'm coming to you very soon [:
AUGUST 19!

Today

was a good day [:


one more day of school then hello 5 day weekend ! i really hope raisa, kels, and i go to vegas this weekend cus that'll be the best <3 i love those girls! im so excited for prom, im not stress about the situation anymore, i dont care. im going to have fun and thats all that matter.

As much

as it hurts to say this.
.. I THINK IM OVER IT ! [:








finally

Not worth it

Crying over this is stupid. I could do better i know i can. I just need to get over him and everything is smooth sailing. I cant wait till then [:

I wanna hear your voice but I don't want you to call
I wanna see you, girl, but not see you at all
I wanna make up, but I still want to fight
I wanted to break up but it just don't feel right
(Sitting here waiting on you)

I hate you, you hate me. But still can't escape "we"
And all the bullshit we've been going through lately
Heartbroke, Lovesturck, telling ya'll, "It ain't me"
Life without you, girl, is something that I can't see
I ain't gon' lie, say, "I don't get lonely"
But if only so much, I could kick it with the homies
And somebody told me that you already moved on
I broke up with you, you ain't supposed to get your groove on!
Not now, at least wait a couple weeks
Got me looking like a chump with my business in the streets
Been a couple weeks, but it feel like you still there
No matter how I clean, I'm still finding your hair
Or some shit you forgot, or I'm standing in that spot
Where you came so hard, I didn't think that you would stop
But, quiet as I step, I know you miss me just a little
Washed my sheets when you left but still smell you on my pillow

And everything I do, it reminds me of you
And everything I see, it reminds me of "we"
And everytime I lust, it reminds me of us
Girl, I wanna stay together 'cause I hate breaking up

You ain't call me last night, what you trying to be? Strong?
You'll call yourself stupid when you finally hear this song
'Cause I would've took you back, I was waiting to, infact
All you had to do was holler, girl, I would've just collapsed
And fell into a trap and started to relapse
And your ass never called so it just never happened
Now I'm thinking Jasmine, Tanya, Cheraine
Some ex's I can call that'll probably ease the pain
I tried to follow through, but I wound up calling you
Hanging up before a ring, girl, it's really all on you
But you wanna get into it, make me mad, push my buttons
Got us tripping over little stuff that don't mean nothing
I'm sick of the suffering, the fighting, the fussing
What happened to the love in the late night discussions
'Bout children, and family, the future, the plan
And now it's all over 'cause you couldn't understand me

And everything I do, it reminds me of you
And everything I see, it reminds me of "we"
And everytime I lust, it reminds me of us
Girl, I wanna stay together 'cause I hate breaking up

Thought I'm missing you again last night
'Til I remembered all the reasons that your ass left a fight
It's like, dude, I really wanted this to work
But you had to get your shit together first,
and what's worse, I really wanted you to stay
but I needed you to leave 'cause we was fighting everyday
All right, not everyday, I know that's a lot on it
We was supposed to be companions, but we was more like opponents
Don't this song make you wanna do it one more time?
Could I still be the only dude that's on your mind?
I'm too proud to beg, but I'm hoping that you not
I would take you back quick, girl, without a second thought
But I'm caught up in my pride and I can't make the call
Didn't want to break up, just a break, that's all
It's been a long time, I know I probably shouldn't have left you
'Cause your the only woman that I wanna sleep next to

And everything I do, it reminds me of you
And everything I see, it reminds me of "we"
And everytime I lust, it reminds me of us
Girl, I wanna stay together 'cause I hate breaking up

You say you're sick of me and I say I'm sick of you
But we crazy 'bout eachother, girl, what we gon' do?
Said I needed you to leave, but I hate to see you go
Can't make up my mind, girl, I just don't know
I wanna make this work but I'm sick of the struggle
Girl, what I gotta do to make you realize I love you?
I ain't gon' lie, sometimes I just don't feel you
But find another man, and I just might kill you
(Sitting here waiting on you)

Seems every time I try to forget about you
My feelings pull you back in

.. I know he's acting like this so i can get over him, but im fucking stupid and i really cant. i dont know what else to do. my feelings aren't going to go away as much as i try and tell myself their not going away. i don't know what else to do.

If you love something let it go
&if it comes back then that's how you know it was meant to be

I'm not as strong as i thought i was. I'm so weak when it comes to him. I put up a front but I'm hurting so much inside. I'm depressed, I'm losing hair, I'm not eating, I'm growing gray hair "/ Finding out all the stuff that's going on is killing me. I really didn't think he would ever do that. He's not that kind of person and i feel like i turned him into that. Your so much better than what your doing. I know him the best and he's not like that. All i want is to leave, to get out of here. Everything here reminds me of him. & I really cant do it anymore. I fucked up so bad and there's nothing i can do to change his mind. I never thought being without him would be so hard. I cant even talk to other guys because it makes me miss him even more. All i do is talk about him on and on and on. He's in all my memories, we been through so much and i threw us away. He's my first love and he'll always be in my heart. And even though he doesn't want it, he'll always have my heart. I'm never going to forget him and that's the hardest part.

#$@&*!

FUCK! .. i fucked up sooo fucking bad "/
Out of all the things to say ? .. why did i pick that ? I'm fucking stupid he said not to say anything since things were getting better and i just had to ruin it. I knew i should have just fell asleep. I wish i never said anything. I miss him so much, and now i can never get him back. I understand why hes not talking to me, i would do the same exact thing. Ugh, stop trying already nothing i do will fix it. I'll never get things back to the way it once was. fuck, i love him so much &i miss him. I want to talk to him, and i want things to be the same but i know it wont. I miss my mom right now, shes the only one in this house that can make me feel better. I hate how im so scared to talk to him now, like whenever i wanna go to his house to try to talk to him i start shaking and getting really nervous. I dont know what to do anymore. I miss him so much &i know i cant do anything because i fucked up and its my fault. He's never going to talk to me and im going to have to live with that. I just wish he could listen to me. Im dumb, im said the most stupidest thing and im the dumbest person in the world. I let the one person i wanted in my life slip away.

Better!

I love him <3

Done.

I really thought things were getting better. I haven't cried for a whole week compared to crying everyday. But tonight was the worse, I could of died today &you wouldn't even care.









I'm done.

..

I hate how one week were okay, then the next were not.
I hate when this happens.

I will work for love.

Just for him <3

fackkk !

I'm an hour early to hula and my grandpa wants to leave me here "/ and derek isn't answering his phone, I really need to talk to that bitch ! <3

I miss us

The old us, the us before the fights before the yelling. Sometimes i feel like we cant go a day without fighting that's how bad it is. It broke me heart today when we were fighting about you know what and you told me "we have a future" but i knew i wasn't part of yours. I wanted to cry when you were trying to tell me that if i did what i wanted you wouldn't have any part in it, and leave it to me, without any help, without you. I feel stupid every time i try to fix my life to fit yours. I want to go to a college near you so i could be near you when i know you don't care if were still together or not. I hate how i cant live without you, i feel so dependent on you and you don't even feel the same. I hate when i ask you "do you love me?" and when you say yea its like your angry at me. Sometimes i think you don't even want to be with me, and that really scares me. I know we'll never be what we used to be and i know i have to let you go sooner or later, but i don't want that to ever happen. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but i know that's not what you want. I feel stupid when my friends tell me that you don't even care about me, that you think you got me all wrapped in your fingers and you could do what ever you want because you know that i'll always be with you. Im the stupid one.

GOD!

I'm so fucking over him !















































.. for now "/

6 months

So to celebrate our 6 month anniversary we went to disneyland while they still had snow! And i finally got to drive the whole way there [: I didnt think that it was going to be crowded but dayummm i've never seen it sooo pack! It took a while to pay for parking then to get on the tram. But when we finally got there, there was such a looong as line to buy tickets, it took like 30 minutes. And i waited in line byself so derek could put our jackets back in the car because it was fucking hott! When we finally got to the ticketbooth the lady gave us a park hopper ticket to go to both since disneyland was crowded but we were only allowed to go to disneyland after 5pm but it was still cool. The first ride we rode was the tower of terror! Then we ate then rode it again! Went on the marry go round, then this one ride that went up and down ? idunno what it was called, then this rollercoaster ride, then screaming california, then soaring over california. ooh, and the new toy story one! That was really funn, i beat derek! [: Then around 7 we went to disneyland and rode pirates of the carribean. Went back to the car to get our jackets because it started to get cold. Met up with all the girls (Chelsea, Angela, Holly, her friend, Patricia, Gen, and Oliva) I really wanted to watch the fireworks and see the snow but since we were in California park we didnt really do anything in disneyland so we skipped the fireworks and went in line for space mountain. That line was sooo effing long it was like 80 minutes, and when we were about to get on the ride broke but they fixed it so it was coool. After we went to ride buzz lightyear cus derek really wanted to ride it, this time he beat me but it was because i was really tired. Then the ride home was pretty bad we were fighting cus the freeway ended and we didnt know how to get back home but we found a way and everything was okay. I still love him with all my heart <3